Miss I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

So I’m supposed to be doing an intro to theatre writing assignment right now. But I can’t focus, I really can’t and so I’m going to write a blog post instead.

I have always struggled with control. I like being in charge. I have a type-A personality and I like to be the leader, always. Ask any of my friends, they know. Why am I like this? No clue. Maybe it’s because when I lost my mom at the age of ten I had to learn how to take care of myself. Not because daddy didn’t help or anything. Oh he is absolutely amazing. I can’t begin to write of how much he does for me and Austin. But, he can’t be mom to a teenage girl. And I have been so blessed with many, many relatives and sweet friends who are older who help me. I love them. I also love doing things by myself. I rarely ask for help with things. I know that sometimes I need to but I don’t always want to. Let’s take shopping for clothes. My mom naturally picked out the majority of my clothes until she passed away because I was, like 10. However as the years have gone by I found myself wanting to go by myself and pick out things rather than having my sweet sweet sweet sweet grandmother (Nana) or aunt or anyone take me. I would just rather not bother anyone else and get it done quickly by myself. Speaking of Nana, she still fusses at me because she’ll ask if I need anything and I’ll always respond with no ma’am. Or she’ll ask what I need and I’ll say nothing. Because the honest truth is that I don’t want her to have to worry about me. I know that she wants to and it's part of her job. But I like to take care of myself (with help from my daddy who is once again amazing). This plays a part in the whole control thing. I don’t like it when I can’t do something. Lately I have been hit with a lot of things that I don’t have control over. While some of them are larger than others, collectively it has been hard on me. But you know what I am constantly having to tell myself? I am NOT in charge. This is NOT my world. These things are hard for me to accept. But thank goodness I am not in charge. Thank goodness that I don’t have to put everything together. I can’t. It’s impossible for me to hold MY life together by myself. And I have to constantly remind myself that the only one who CAN be in charge, who CAN hold the whole world in His hands, is God. He has amazing plans for us. He speaks so many times in His word how He is in control, but one of my favorite verses comes from Proverbs 19:21. It’s also the verse on the top of my blog page.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the LORD’S purpose that prevails.”

I marked that verse back on March 25 of 2012. That was 4 years and one day after my mom died and while I don’t remember the specific reason I found that verse I remember loving it. It has become my main verse and one I find myself repeating in my head multiple times a day. God is in control. My plans? They mean nothing. I have in my head right now that I want to go to a four year college, graduate, and have a steady job. Marry the right man in my 20’s and have some kids. I don’t want to live in Florence and I want to be close to the ocean. In my perfect world, that would happen. But this is not my world. It’s Gods. And I have no clue where He’s gonna lead me. It’s scary. But it’s also not. I know that if I put my complete trust in Him, He’s going to provide for me. It’s an incredible feeling. I have been witness to this so many times. One example would be my amazing former youth pastor and his wife who selflessly packed up their family and left their jobs to move where he could attend seminary, which is where they feel the Lord is calling them. When they felt like that the Lord wanted them to move they put their house on the market. And they had people come look.. and more people come look.. and before they could blink, they were supposed to be moving within the next few weeks up to Charlotte. It was going to be nearly impossible to pay two mortgages on their limited budget. Did they give up and decide not to go? No. They trusted that God would provide for them. And He did. He sold their house just before they left. Isn’t that amazing?

Francis Chan is an amazing author and I’ve been lucky enough to watch several of his videos. I came across this quote of his last week and I loved it. He says, 

“It is true that God may have called you to be exactly where you are. But, it is absolutely vital to grasp that He didn’t call you there so you could settle in and live your life in comfort and superficial peace.”

This God who created everything loves us. He puts us where we are supposed to be. But that’s not the end of the story.

I’ve gotten a little off track from my original intentions. So let me draw it together with this. I have independence/control issues, to put it generally. God? He sees these issues, and He is teaching me EVERY day that I need to give in. Give it up. Let Him be in charge. And go live my life for Him. This summer I was given the opportunity to be a leader at the middle school conference our church attends. One of the songs we sang that week was Oceans by Hillsong United. It’s an awesome song and I encourage everyone to go listen to it. But the part that hit me the hardest was these lyrics.

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters, Wherever You would call me, Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, And my faith will be made stronger, In the presence of my Savior”

I can honestly say that my prayer that week, and in the following months, has been that God would take me where He wants me to be. That He will help me to let go of being in control and that He would take me somewhere where I require great faith. That’s a hard prayer. But I know that God has great plans for me. I wish I knew what they were (wanting control..) but it’s better I don’t know. God’s in charge, not me.

Thanks for reading my crazy ,off topic, probably grammatically incorrect post. I should probably go do my tech work now.