Fairness and Survivors: Breast Cancer Awareness 2015
As per usual, I'm procrastinating tonight. I have a paper due on the European spice trade.
But the European spice trade isn't what's on my heart tonight.
It's October. The time for pumpkins, scarves, and falling leaves.
It's one of my favorite months of the year.
It's also Breast Cancer Awareness month.
These past few weeks, I have seen so many "survivor video" links on my Facebook.
They're awesome. Those ladies (and men), every single one of them is incredible, and I praise God that they were healed.
But I didn't want to watch the videos.
I didn't want to hear how the doctors saw the cancer cells and were able to get them out through surgery at the nick of time.
I didn't want to hear how the chemo worked for them or how the radiation was able to kill the cells.
I didn't want to.
Because more than anything in this world, I want to be able to click on a link on my Facebook page and see the survivor story for my mom.
And that's not gonna be there.
And that hurts.
So much.
I tried to avoid them. But I couldn't.
I watched three videos of ladies I knew. And I was stunned by how much it hit me.
How much I realized that as much as I wanted to be mad at God for letting them beat cancer and not my mom, I couldn't be.
And that's it. I realized that I am still mad at God. It's been over seven years. And I am still so hurt. I've been telling myself for years that I wasn't. That I was over it, but I'm not.
Because it's not fair.
And honestly it never will be. I am not going to understand until I get to ask God myself why my mom was taken, and not someone else's.
I am still struggling with it. I struggle every time someone asks me a question about my mom. Especially the past few months with meeting new people.
I want so badly to be able to answer their questions of what my mom does for a living, or if she called me this week. Instead, I do the whole "avoid the question".
It hurts. and it's not fair.
But I'm working on letting go.
God is constantly reminding me that no matter what,
He will be there.
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
That His plans are better than mine.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
That I have to trust Him.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
That He will always love me.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved.. Ephesians 2: 4-5
But the European spice trade isn't what's on my heart tonight.
It's October. The time for pumpkins, scarves, and falling leaves.
It's one of my favorite months of the year.
It's also Breast Cancer Awareness month.
These past few weeks, I have seen so many "survivor video" links on my Facebook.
They're awesome. Those ladies (and men), every single one of them is incredible, and I praise God that they were healed.
But I didn't want to watch the videos.
I didn't want to hear how the doctors saw the cancer cells and were able to get them out through surgery at the nick of time.
I didn't want to hear how the chemo worked for them or how the radiation was able to kill the cells.
I didn't want to.
Because more than anything in this world, I want to be able to click on a link on my Facebook page and see the survivor story for my mom.
And that's not gonna be there.
And that hurts.
So much.
I tried to avoid them. But I couldn't.
I watched three videos of ladies I knew. And I was stunned by how much it hit me.
How much I realized that as much as I wanted to be mad at God for letting them beat cancer and not my mom, I couldn't be.
And that's it. I realized that I am still mad at God. It's been over seven years. And I am still so hurt. I've been telling myself for years that I wasn't. That I was over it, but I'm not.
Because it's not fair.
And honestly it never will be. I am not going to understand until I get to ask God myself why my mom was taken, and not someone else's.
I am still struggling with it. I struggle every time someone asks me a question about my mom. Especially the past few months with meeting new people.
I want so badly to be able to answer their questions of what my mom does for a living, or if she called me this week. Instead, I do the whole "avoid the question".
It hurts. and it's not fair.
But I'm working on letting go.
God is constantly reminding me that no matter what,
He will be there.
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2
That His plans are better than mine.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
That I have to trust Him.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
That He will always love me.
But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved.. Ephesians 2: 4-5
And it amazes me.
My mom would be so proud of me. I know that.
She wouldn't want me to avoid those survivor videos.
She'd want to me to like, and comment, and share every single one of them.
She'd tell me to rejoice for them. So I will.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness month.
But it's not just survivors month.
It's about remembering all of those who battled the horrible disease whether they beat it or not.
Because they are all fighters. whether the beat the disease or not.
And you know what?
So are their families. Those blood related, and not blood related.
They are fighters too. And they continue to fight long after their loved one is past the battle.
Please, ladies, remember what this month is about. If you ever notice something weird go get it checked. Seriously. For me if not for yourself.
I'm working on getting past hurt and pain, and it's something I've been working towards for almost eight years.
One day there will be no more Breast Cancer Awareness, because there will be no more Breast Cancer.
And that day, I will be face to face with my mom, and my three thousand questions will be answered.
But until then, I will praise the God who loves me enough to send His son to die for me.
Cancer, you won't win.
Ever.
Don't you know that "for those who love God all things work together for good" Romans 8: 28?
I honestly have no idea where this even came from. I felt the need to write. So I did.
God's plans are forever better than mine. And I will keep reminding myself of that everyday.
Going to write my paper now.
Thanks for reading.
Love ya mama, always.
I love you ♥
ReplyDeleteThis season ALWAYS reminds me of your mom. Thanks for making me all weepy this morning :) and for writing these precious words.
I am inspired by your words. Whatever you do in life, please continue writing. God has given you a gift that by your words, others can be inspired and uplifted. Yes, your mother is extremely proud of you. I received your post from another attorney-friend, Rodney Pillsbury, who knows your dad. Best wishes to you and your family, Susan F. Campbell
ReplyDeleteMy mom worked with your mom. I was in first grade when she started with Dr. Holt, and I'm 38 now!! A long time. A lot of years! I remember when you and Austin were born! I was diagnosed before your mom the first time. The second time we were with in months of each other. The third time I was diagnosed with a stage 4 she was gone.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you because I know how much you must miss her!
Beautifully written .....by someone who knows the pain of what cancer can do! But knows the love that Jesus can give! Cancer can't take that away!
Hugs to you!
Adriane Poston